Parkersburg’s Riverview Cemetery, fringing the Julia-Ann Square Historic District, is a hotbed of paranormal activity. It allegedly is a place where strange orbs and mists show up on photographs, and visitors hear mysterious voices and footsteps. It allegedly is a place where black dogs with glowing red eyes roam the graves, their very presence a harbinger of death; statues have been known to leave their pedestals to pace the graveyard in eternal agony—allegedly. So I decided to visit the historic tract of land, in an attempt to witness first-hand this blurred line between worlds.

But I didn’t just waltz in there like some adolescent fool on a triple-dog dare. I consulted Parkersburg’s resident medium and paranormal expert, Susan Sheppard. She is known for founding and guiding the popular Haunted Parkersburg Ghost Tour, and has appeared on national television on such shows as ABC Family’s “Scariest Places on Earth.” She has written multiple books about mysterious and paranormal events, including “Cry of the Banshee,” and “The Gallows Tree: A Mothman’s Tale.”

I asked her how to increase my chances of catching a glimpse of an other-worldly being. She said, “If you want to get evidence in your pictures, or in recordings or anything, a lot of the time when you talk about the people, even reading out their names when they live, and you talk about things it kind of pulls them back, and the energy just increases.”

Later that night, I stood about 20 feet away from a headstone with an ornate sailing ship carved into its façade. I prepared a biography about the man that lay under that grave, consisting of information from stories told by Susan and others:

A descendant of the famous military advisor Myles Standish, Captain George Deming moved to the area in the 1850s. After making a fortune in the oil and gas business, he built a house on the corner of Juliana and 11^th streets, just a few blocks from where he now rests. It was a happy home, its interior built to resemble that of the kind of ship Deming spent his earlier days commanding. If you peer through the bay window at night, you may still be able to see the glow from the Captain’s pipe. A typhoid fever epidemic hit Parkersburg in the 1860s and 70s to which Deming fell victim. His young son died shortly after, and is buried next to him. Over the years witnesses have seen visions of a man in a black coat visiting the graves. 

I stood apprehensively in dark silence for what seemed like an eternity, my nerves on edge, my brain telling me to watch out for the dark figure that was about to emerge from behind a nearby tree. Alas, no such figure came, so I moved on to my next destination: the Weeping Woman.

Located near the back of the graveyard, she kneels behind a small stone altar, her hands distraughtly outstretched on its surface. On the altar are artifacts of previous visits—three playing cards, a folded piece of notebook paper I suspected to be a poem or prayer, coins of various values and currencies, and several nearly depleted tea candles. I lit the candles, and began to read:

Lily Irene Jackson, relative of the famed Stonewall Jackson, was an eccentric personality in Parkersburg at the turn of the 20^th century. She was best known as a painter, particularly skilled at animal portraits. She was fond of her pets, and, in light of being teased for never marrying, held a mock wedding in which she married her dogs Hope, Faith and Charity. She organized and presided over the Parkersburg Art Society in 1887, and exhibited multiple works of art at the 1893 Chicago World’s Fair. She died in 1929, and in her will asked to be buried in a shroud she had made herself. The brightest ghost orbs and lights are found around her, cameras malfunction in her vicinity, candles on her gravestone light themselves, and visitors feel their hair and clothes messed with as they walk past her. It is also rumored that if you make a completely unselfish wish in the presence of the Weeping Woman, she will grant it.

I stood nervously in front of the headstone wishing for my heartrate to decrease. I felt at any moment that the woman would raise her head to stare at me with forlorn eyes. I sensed that she was just about to stretch out a sad stony hand and grab mine. But she never did.

Despite my failure to capture the experience of seeing a ghost, I kept thinking about something Susan said during our conversation: “Most hauntings are imprint hauntings, or place hauntings. I would say about 85%, you’re just encountering imprints or memories from the past.”

While I didn’t encounter the type of entity she was referring to, that statement made me realize that I had indeed stumbled upon something very real. Skeptics may say that ghosts only exist in people’s minds–that they’re seeing things. But many important and “real” things do only exist in the mind, like love, the laws of nature, mathematics, and logic; they’re all constructs of the human brain.

The wealth of lore and myths of spiritual encounters in the area preserves the history of these figures and events in our minds, which makes the past not just words on a page, but a living, breathing organism that is very present in the complex network of ideas that determines what we think and feel. The preservation of these stories make the Mid-Ohio Valley more than solely what it is today—its identity consists not just of the present as a result of the past, but of both simultaneously. In the words of Susan Sheppard, “the dead keep Parkersburg alive.”

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Freakonomics Radio recently aired an episode in which they discussed the normative social practice of wearing belts as opposed to suspenders, which the producers clearly found more comfortable, effective and overall a better solution to the persistent problem gravity presents to keeping ourselves decent. In it, they present an anecdote about a famous Indonesian artist who was invited to come to England. He refused, stating that the severe discomfort inflicted by trousers and shoes, as opposed to sarong and flipflops, was too much to bear.

In it, they consult fashion historian (yes, those do exist) Chloe Chapin to get to the bottom of this critical fashion mystery. The short answer: the Duke of Windsor, aka King Edward VII. During his time (mid-20^th century), princes were notorious for sporting outfits thought to be too casual by their elders. One of these statements was the belt, which was a primarily American trend, and was seen as a very casual accessory. Starting with the Duke’s closest friends and rippling outward to general society, the belt became a symbol. As Chapin explains, “his friends that were sitting next to him and, you know, those people would have dinner with someone else, and they would be like, ‘Oh after dinner I’m unbuttoning my jacket, just like the prince does. You know how I hang out with the prince all the time? Because I’m so important?’”

This is just one of a multitude of interesting ideas presented in this episode, so do yourself a favor and check out the rest here. However, this particular idea made me realize that “functional clothing” doesn’t simply mean something comfortable and effective, like suspenders. Apparel also serves a social function that can be just as important as being cozy. Who knows what opportunities and experiences that artist could have had in England? All those potential fruit were wasted by his refusal to accept the full functionality of clothing—both the physical and social aspects.

I believe that embracing the full spectrum of clothing’s functionality is the cornerstone of modern men’s fashion. The word “fashion” has a connotation of femininity that scares a large portion of the heterosexual male community away from even Googling the term. But in a reality where humans’ evolutionary background forces us to make subconscious snap judgements based on first appearances, and where globalization is making cross-cultural travel more and more commonplace, what you wear and the way you wear it is probably more crucial to achieving your goals than you think.

Once you accept this principle, there should be no qualms about entering the world of men’s fashion—it is not a senseless or girly obsession with an endless barrage of ridiculous celebrity-generated trends or a based attempt at superiority by arrogantly displaying material wealth. It is simply having an awareness of the impressions your apparel has on those around you, and, like any sensible human, leveraging those impressions to your advantage by collecting the right articles of clothing. The optimization of this advantage is what I like to call having a dope as heck wardrobe.

In an attempt to convert the multitude of sensible men who have not yet realized the benefits that a respect for men’s fashion can have, I have provided below a few items and behaviors that define my personal style, and why they are at the locus of physical and social functionality. But that’s the most important part—that it reflects your style. What’s functional for me may not be functional for you. So take the following not as strict guidelines or rules, but as general model of how to think about clothing. Stepping a little outside your comfort zone can never hurt, but keep in mind that the right collection of clothes is going to feel right. Ultimately if you feel very uncomfortable in anything, it’s going to weigh on your psyche and manifest itself in your actions, and unconfident actions are the opposite of what men’s fashion can accomplish.

1: Tailor It

The way an article of clothing fits is far more important than its brand, material or design. It sends a subtle signal that you know what you’re doing. There have been studies that demonstrate the positive effects of wearing tailored suits. After looking at men in tailored and untailored suits, participants predominantly selected those in tailored suits as more successful. While this isn’t a cheap practice, there are ways to find great clothes for dirt cheap.

2: Thrift Shops are Your Friend

I have an unusually lanky build, which makes finding shirts that are both long and skinny enough of a challenge. However, thrift stores are loaded with XL and XXL shirts that don’t fit the average shopper. These shirts, which are perfect in length, often run me about 5 bucks. I simply take these to the tailor to have them taken in, which will only cost $25. So now I have a closet full of perfectly fitted shirts for a fraction of the cost of shopping at first-hand stores. Men’s fashion is relatively static—a solid white or blue oxford is always going to be in style. While you’ll want to be wary of dingy or tattered items, thrift stores are full of hardly-worn gems ready to find a new home.

3: Minimize Logos

While sporting pieces that proudly display a little sheep or alligator logo can heighten the public’s perception of your social status, I choose to steer away from them to avoid the hint of pretention they add to an outfit. While designers often do produce genuinely sharp collections, they’re pretty easy to imitate at a lower price point. Reddit’s “Two Budgets One Price” forum offers great alternatives to high end lines.

4: What the heck is going on with watches?

They’re getting out of control. I see more and more men walking around with quarter-pound behemoths chained to their wrists. I like to keep the diameter of the watch face smaller than the width of my wrist, and the height no thicker than four stacked quarters. I shy way from overly intricate dials as well. A watch tells time, which isn’t a terribly complicated task. I look for a design that reflects the simple yet dignified responsibility of keeping time.

5: Dress For the Occasion

Like wearing clothes that fit your body, wearing clothes that fit your activity quietly says, “Hello, I am competent and forward-thinking enough to successfully navigate logistical challenges and respect societal norms.” For example, if you’re going to a bonfire or outdoor activity, leave the fresh kicks at home—it is very tedious to try to avoid dirtying them and you’ll spend more time worrying about the conditions of your sneakers than the people around you, which is so lame.

6: Crotch Blowouts and the Rise (?) of Men’s Jeggings

I have spent over $100 in the past year repairing denim. Apparently, there is a point on the upper thigh that simply cannot withstand the friction caused by the pant legs rubbing together as I walk. After about 3 months of every other day use, I have to take my jeans to get patched up so that I don’t have to spend even more money on a new pair, or constantly expose my undergarments to those sitting across from me. Alas, the Japanese company UNIQLO has started selling pants made of a stretchy cotton-polyester-spandex blend that is immune to this fatal weakness of denim. While they are, in essence, jeggings, a fad that was swiftly mocked out of style in the world of women’s fashion, they are too good to resist. No one can tell them from regular dark-wash denim, they’re virtually indestructible, comfortable as hell, and only cost 30 bucks a pop.

7: Iconic Pieces

James Dean has the stark white tee. Bill Nye has the bowtie. Johnny Depp has the fedora-scarf-abundance of jewelry combo. Finding a unique accessory or article of clothing that speaks to you and wearing it regularly is a great way to convey an air of originality. I found a sweet pair of gold-trimmed RayBan Clubmasters that a lot of people now use to distinguish me from the next bearded twenty-something-year-old hipster.

8: Flannel: Me as a Human Incarnated in an Article of Clothing

While I do avoid them in the hotter months, flannel shirts are the epitome of everything I look for in clothing. It’s comfortable, keeps me warm, and is durable, fulfilling three very important physical aspects of clothes, but also has excellent connotations; when people think of flannel they think things like “cozy,” “colorful,” “pancakes,” and “lumberjack,” which are all words I would be very happy for people to associate me with as well. This is the kind of bond I encourage you to find with your apparel.

For more inspiration, grab a copy of GQ, or browse reddit.com/r/malefashionadvice. Pay attention to the initial reactions you have at seeing certain outfits or accessories. If nothing pops out at you, pass it on to an S/O, or someone whose perception of you that you value. If they get positive vibes from certain looks, chances are your other peers will too. And it’s those good vibes you’re after; they’re what form a positive image of you in others, making it easier to communicate with them, attract them, influence them, befriend them, gain their trust or support and generally succeed at interaction and life.

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